Coldplay makes me sick. I’m not being mean. I’m not saying that I dislike the band or that I’m unhappy with their music. I am saying that every song they have ever released flat-out makes me nauseated.
Here’s a scenario:
I’ll be driving along on a beautiful summer’s day, feeling fine. Then without warning I get a chill followed by a creeping malaise. As the queasiness sets in, I feel my temples, checking whether I’m running a fever. Soon I’m looking around for a place to pull over.
Then the satellite radio catches my eye and I see the dreaded name: Coldplay.
As soon as I switch channels, the wave of sickness subsides and within about 10 seconds I’m feeling fine. I kid you not.
Here’s my theory:
You know Bill and Ted, of course. Surely everyone in the English-speaking world has watched “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” at least once.
Not everyone has seen the sequel, “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey,” though, so allow me to set it up for you.
In the first movie it was prophesied that Bill and Ted’s music would harmonize the world, would align the planets and bring eternal peace to our world. In the second movie villains tried to stop this cosmic peace by ruining the music. They tried to kill Bill and Ted and replace them with robots known as Evil Bill and Ted, whose music was so foul, so discordant it tore the very fabric of our universe.
Do you see it yet? …
Coldplay is Evil Bill and Ted!
Wake up people! That’s the only thing that makes sense. There’s no way that a band could create music like theirs — dis-harmonies that render people instantly nauseous — without evil intent. And possibly an evil futuristic overlord.
I rest my case.